First Date In 4 Years

Dating Diaries

Today it finally hit me. I am actually going on a date. Not the imaginary kind I've replayed in my head a hundred times. Not the one where I've been practicing, "Good morning, darling," to my future husband while making coffee in my kitchen. A real date. A real person. A real moment where someone asked me out... and I actually said yes. The second that realization settled in, the nerves rushed in behind it. When was the last time I even got dressed to be seen?

Everything Felt Different After 2020

Four years! Honestly? During those years of isolation and fighting toxic mold, a quiet agoraphobia had secretly developed. Being seen wasn't required for so long. Breaking out of that heavy headspace had to happen fast, but shopping was out of the question. Medical bills and soaring rent increases had completely drained every ounce of my savings. The pandemic completely threw off my rhythm, my confidence, and my direction.

I haven't worn or bought makeup. I haven't bought clothes. Not even perfume in so long. Somewhere along the way, surviving quietly became more familiar than living loudly. For a moment I actually wondered if I had accidentally developed agoraphobia without realizing it. I had gotten so used to doctor's appointments, grocery runs, and coming straight back home that leaving the house for something beautiful suddenly felt... foreign. There wasn't time to panic. There wasn't money to shop either. Every extra dollar I had disappeared into trying to survive being sick. The pandemic didn't just steal time. It completely knocked me off rhythm. It took pieces of my confidence with it. My sense of direction. My belief that life was still moving.

So, it was time to face the closet. Digging through those racks felt like opening a haunted time capsule of old versions of me that no longer fit physically or emotionally. Trendy pieces, attention seeking outfits, clothes worn just to disappear all of it tossed on the bed. The search quickly became less about fashion and more about choosing what to release. Then I saw it, the one single dress, originally bought for a wedding that never even happened. Funny how life works. Sometimes clothes wait for the occasion they were actually meant for. With a few quick adjustments, it suddenly belonged to the woman standing here today. Not the girl who vanished in 2020, but the woman willing to be seen again.

Paired with some four year old rhinestone heels the only shoes that miraculously survived my apartment's water leak the look was locked.

The Uber ride over felt longer than usual, mostly because my thoughts wouldn't stop talking. Thankfully my driver did enough talking for both of us, and by the time we pulled up, I wasn't shaking anymore. Then came the moment.

I took a deep breath and walked inside, smiled at the hostess, and asked where my date was. She pointed toward the end of the bar. I laughed. "Oh... I think that's a mistake. The man I'm meeting is much younger." Confusion set in, we both began looking around the room, she looked. at me with eyes that said I feel bad for you and she said, "I’m so sorry... that's the only person waiting for someone." Then he waved like Forrest Gump straight at me with one hand and a cocktail in the other and everybody at the bar turned to look at me. I wanted the floor to politely open up and swallow me whole. Total, burning embarrassment. Smiling politely while being guided to the table, the urge to crawl straight under the floorboards was overwhelming.

Every eye in the room felt fixed on us, silently judging why this older man was sitting with me. Dear Lord how on earth did this happen! To make it worse, his booming personality was incredibly loud, fueled by a continuous stream of cocktails that quickly went past count after four.

The Saving Grace

Dinner itself wasn't terrible. Just... unforgettable for all the wrong reasons. He had the biggest personality in the room. Every story came with full volume. Every opinion came with finger snapping hand gestures. After cocktail number four, somehow he became even louder. Meanwhile I was sitting there wondering if everyone else in the restaurant was wondering the same thing I was. How exactly did these two end up here together? In my head I pretended I was a famous actress and he was my agent.

The saving grace? Snow crab legs, my favorite and a violinist who somehow managed to turn modern R&B into something elegant enough to float through the restaurant. For a few moments, I forgot how awkward I felt. But by the end of dinner, I was more than ready to go home. He kindly offered to pay for my Uber. I thanked him......and politely declined.

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The ride home felt quieter than the ride there, I swiftly escaped back to my sanctuary. When I walked inside my apartment, I didn't immediately kick off my shoes or wash my face. Instead... I stood in front of the mirror. For the first time in five years, a dolled-up reflection looked back. Because for the first time... I saw her. Not the woman who had been sick. Not the woman who had been too scared to leave the house. Not the woman waiting for life to restart. Just... me. Hair done. Makeup on. Alone but a little hopeful. I took a few selfies before a hot shower and climbing into bed.

The date may not have been what I imagined. But maybe that wasn't the point. Maybe today wasn't about finding the right man. Maybe today was simply about finding my way back to myself. And honestly... I think that's the better love story. Because today I finally broke through a 4 year loop. ♡

Have you ever gone somewhere expecting one thing... only to realize the biggest thing you found was a version of yourself you thought you'd lost? Tell me about your worst dating experience.